The Beantown Beatdown

Boston Cel-d*cks

2010-04-10T13:13:00.006-04:00

Welcome to the wonderful world of Celtics hate.

What's up world! My name is Chris (you can call me CJ or Smoov), and while I am just as big a Red Sux-hater as Hiba, I will be the DCH -- designated Celtics-hater -- for this terrific blog. I'll gladly leave the Sux-bashing to Beebz while taking on the basketball team. In keeping with the idea of BTBD, I'm gonna leave my NBA affiliation out of my postings (not that there's anything positive to say about my team in the first place hahahaha). It's all anti-Boston in these parts.

I grew up around the NBA in the basketball mecca, so you can pretty much figure out my NBA allegiance -- not that there's much positive to say about them at this moment. Long story short: Boston green makes me sick. 2008 was almost as painful as the digital year of 2004 -- the bandwagon was out in full force the second Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen rode into town. But as the team broke down, so did the bandwagon, and now the current Celtics are a shell of the Finals-winning team.

And I couldn't be happier.

My Celtics hate runs deep, my friends. Look no further than the comment made by Garnett at the end of this video after a Celtics loss to Oklahoma City last week:

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't it not too long ago that Garnett was in the same spot as Durant was? Wasn't he the one getting to the foul line damn near 20 times a game? SUCK IT UP, BITCH!!!!! Just because you're looking like damaged goods with every game doesn't mean you can take away from Durant's performance. He took advantage, you didn't -- that's life. F***in' deal with it.

And let's not forget Pierce's lame-ass attempt to pull a Willis Reed in the 2008 Finals vs. the Lakers. You know the one -- when he bruised his knee and limped to the locker room, only to run back to the bench 15 minutes later. HE RAN BACK TO THE DAMN BENCH. No limp like Willis limped. False heroism at its finest in Boston. Well done making an ass of yourself, Pierce.

There's a taste of what to expect from me on BTBD. My posts won't be nearly as long as Hiba's -- I can't speak for Deb or Dave -- but I'ma get my point across all the same. Say it with me one time:

CELTICS SUCK!

38 Bitches on "NESN National"

2010-04-04T13:19:00.000-04:00

Remember when you couldn't wait until Curt Schilling retired, just so you won't have to listen to him shooting his fat mouth off to the media anymore? Well since he's retired, he's become an even bigger media whore. It's really sickening.

If you hate the Red Sox as much as I do, you can't help but despise two things: Curt Schilling and ESPN. ESPN's fellation of Boston sports nauseates and enrages me. They should just call themselves "NESN National" and get it over with. Also, Curt Schilling's fellation of himself makes me want to kill cute furry kittens.

*That's funny, Curt, I hear "BLAH BLAH BLAH" when your lips keep moving.*

I just found out today that two of my most hated things are merging. ESPN hired Curt Schilling as a Sunday Night Baseball analyst. Analyst? Schilling's more like an Anal-Cyst. Why on Earth would anyone hire this self-promoting asshat to be an analyst? Oh, wait, we're talking about ESPN here. They will jump on any opportunity to have a Red Sox themed circle-jerk on the air.

Were they trying to hide their Boston bias by launching the ESPN New York website? Well, they countered their own move by hiring the second-biggest douche to ever set foot on the Fenway Park mound, and considering that the Red Sox have had quite a few a**hole pitchers, that's really saying a lot.

Jonathan Papelbon should have been named in these brackets, but he's in a Douche League of his own.

This move by ESPN is complete bullshit. As if his blog "38 Pitches" (which I like to call "38 Bitches") wasn't enough of a media STD, this narcissistic shell of a human being has decided to take his circus act on the road, and televise his moronic psycho-babbling. Even worse, ESPN has agreed to let him do it. Are ESPN even TRYING to tame their wild, passionate, unadulterated lust for the Red Sox anymore? Hiring Dirt-Bag Schilling is proof that they're not. I don't know why this even surprised me. I wouldn't expect anything less from the Bull Shit Programming Network (BSPN).

Not only is Curt Schilling a media whore, but he's an anal media whore. No, not the type of "anal" he was in the Boston clubhouse during his baseball career, I'm talking about being anal about getting criticized. Schitling does not accept any criticism! Who does this idiot think he is? God? Last I checked, America was still a free country. If we can criticize everyone from the President to the Pope, we can criticize dumbass Schilling. Curt's inability to take criticism has become more than obvious recently, when he fired an attack on the (now) Red Sox beat writer Peter Abraham, after Pete poked fun at one of Schilling's blog posts. Schilling surpassed his usual PMS-like levels of bitching, and hit the menopause levels.

What is it about Boston pitchers that makes them unable to take criticism? Is it because the media in Boston strokes their egos (and penises) so much all the time, that they expect to be constantly worshipped? Or is it the fact that their collective inferiority complex forces them to let their words do the talking instead of their skills? Whatever it is, the fact that Red Sox players, and Boston athletes in general, think they're God's gift to sports is not only delusional, but also infuriating.

Now, ESPN has given Curt Schilling the opportunity to sing his own praises on national (and international) television. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball games are televised internationally. As if the international community didn't hate us enough, now they have Curt Schilling as a reason to hate America even more. Thank you, ESPN. Go crawl into a hole and die.

We all know that we can never expect truly unbiased analysis from ESPN, but some of us were holding onto the hope that ESPN will one day have an ounce objectivity. Nope, not gonna happen, folks. The Boston-ESPN Lovefest has heated up even more now. You can look forward to even more praise of the Boston Red Sox. You can look forward to more on-air orgasms for every Boston win. Soon, ESPN will say that the only World Series championships that count are the ones won 2004-2007. The rest of the championships will not count in their books. Sorry, majority of America.

It was bad enough that they hired Nomar Garciaparra after he retired as a Blood Sock, now they have Curt Schilling, too? Are Nomah and Curt going to "get it on" on the air? I can just picture them complimenting each other endlessly, and Aaron Boone sitting there, feeling awkward, and vomiting repeatedly. Don't worry, Boone, the rest of America will be vomiting too.

Here's what you can look forward to seeing on ESPN during tonight's game:

Curt Schilling will eat a hot dog at Fenway Park, spill ketchup on his tie, claim that it's blood, and will be called a "hero" by the Boston media for broadcasting a game while bleeding onto his tie.
Schilling will be as self-promoting as he always is. He won't say his name, but he'll list his numbers and say that those numbers are Hall Of Fame worthy.
When the Red Sox get a hit, Schilling will have an orgasm on the air. When the Yankees score, Schilling will say "The Skankees are on the board with that weak home run off of Jeter's bat. You know, there were steroids allegations made against Derek Jeter".
Schilling will announce that he's running for President in 2012.
Nomar Garciaparra and Curt Schilling will flirt with each other throughout the entire game.
Schilling will mention the 2004 MLB playoffs 87,560,587,057,502 times, and every time, Nomar will say "I don't know how you did it with your foot bleeding".
Nomar will magically forget how the Red Sox organization treated him in 2004, and will talk to Curt Schilling about that World Series throughout the game.
Aaron Boone will be ignored.

Here are what some other baseball fans think about Curt Schilling being ESPN's baseball analyst for tonight's game between the Red Sox and Yankees:

"He has said in the past how much he dislikes NY (both team & fans) - how can we expect objective analysis?" - Tony, Arizona

How can we ever expect objective analysis from ESPN, Tony?

"It's ridiculous. ESPN [are] Red Sox fan boys. Between that and his big mouth I don't know how ESPN could resist." - Andrew, Long Island

Very true, Andrew. How can ESPN resist someone who fellates the Red Sox?

"Schilling has done so much over the years to make himself hated by Yankees fans. No one can ever expect objective analysis from him."

- Jay, New Jersey

Which is exactly why ESPN hired him, Jay. They don't want objectivity, they want more love for the Red Sox.

"Curt Schilling is the equivalent to a pube on my nuts. Doesn't really serve a purpose in life or to anyone." - Victor, New York

Wow! Thank you for the mental image, Victor. An image which is much less disturbing than seeing Schilling's face on TV tonight.

"Schilling could very well be the WORST analyst ESPN hired because he will talk right out of his ass. He'll also be incredibly biased." - Lorenzo, New York

Since the majority of ESPN analysts are pretty bad, calling Schilling the worst is saying a lot. I agree with you, Lorenzo.

"Schilling is a video game playing, Republican. He can sit on an infected needle. He will be just another Sux supporter on NESPN" - Bernie, Los Angeles

I'm still laughing at this, Bernie. Very funny, and very true.

"Honestly? Couldn't care less in April. October, now that'd be a much different story. Let him gloat - for now." - Jonathan, Virginia

Jonathan, Curt Schilling will be a regular Sunday Night Baseball analyst for ESPN. You know they'll make sure he's working every Sunday night Red Sox game.

"F*** Schilling. Hopefully the Easter Bunny will jump on him and take a crap in his mouth." - Sheila, New Jersey

Sadly, that would be less crap than what normally comes out of Schilling's mouth.

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not the only one who thinks that ESPN hiring Curt Schilling is complete bullshit. Any passionate supporter of baseball can't help but be disgusted by two of the biggest embarrassments to the game merging together.

So, thank you, ESPN, for ruining the 2010 Opening Night for the vast majority of Americans. Go burn in Hell.

Bitchslapping The 'B' Off Your Hat

2010-03-31T15:24:00.000-04:00

Red Sox Haters of the world, welcome.

My name is Hiba, and I will be your Red Sox Basher for the duration of this blog.

Baseball is my passion. I was born into a baseball-obsessed family, and my obsession with the sport is not to be taken lightly. When I see a team such as the Red Sox classlessly disgrace the sport that I love more than anything, it infuriates me. It fuels my fiery temper. It pushes me to spew venomous hate towards those Clam Chowder-guzzling, dynasty-claiming, half-witted, baseball-ignorant, bullshit nation-creating, single brain-celled idiots.

I'm going to leave my own personal baseball allegiance out of my hate posts on this blog. I assume, since you hate the Red Sox, you're smart enough to figure out which team I love. After all, there is one fanbase in America that hates the Red Sox more than anyone else. Let's leave it at that.

Now, back to hating the Red Sox.

There are so many reasons for baseball-intelligent fans to hate such an organization. They epitomize everything that is disgusting in baseball today. First and foremost, they are media whores. The extent to which they go to gain publicity never ceases to amaze me. Were they collectively starved of love and attention as children? Did their daddies not hug them enough? Did their mommies not nurture them enough? Whatever the reason is, their attention-seeking ways are nauseating.

We don't have to go too far back to find an example of the Red Sox whoring themselves out to the media. Just think back to March 10th of this year. Remember that whole publicity stunt with Nomar Garciaparra? What a load of bullshit that was. They re-signed "Nomah" to a one-day contract so that he can announce his retirement from baseball, and retire as a Red Sock. Why? They say it's because they wanted to "honor him".

Honor him? Really? The Boston Red Sox want to honor Nomar Garciaparra? Did we forget how the organization treated Nomar in 2004? The Red Sox front office trashed Nomar after they threw him out. They wiped that horrible Green Monster with him. They gave him the true "Boston Treatment" after he left, just like they verbally slaughter every single player that leaves Boston. This year, they wanted to honor him. When will the hypocrisy end?

I don't think the members of the Red Sox organization will ever stop being hypocrites. Not only is their hypocrisy unmatched, but their lame "We're the victims here" performances are Oscar-worthy.

Remember the so-called "Curse" the Red Sox supposedly suffered from before 2004? What a load crap that was. Any organization that believes in curses, and blames their failure on anything but their own mistakes, is an organization deserving of hatred. For an entire organization to embrace this excuse, and use it as a crutch, is simply disgusting.

Hey, idiots in Clam Chowder Land: there was never a curse, you just sucked for 86 years. Deal with it.

Speaking of these idiots, what the Hell is up with "Red Sox Nation"? What is this, really? Have these people no shame? This whole "Nation" was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN to gain publicity. It's pathetic! It's one thing to have a fanbase, but to create a "Nation" in which members have to register and get special membership cards? That only shows that your team is too pathetic to gain followers on its own, and you have to create some sort of "elite club" to attract the public. This idiotic third-world nation even holds presidential elections! Their current President is a grown man living in his mother's basement that he filled with Red Sox posters and memorabilia. He regularly broadcasts the fact that he hasn't taken his Boston jersey off in years. Dirty moron. If that isn't worthy of a beatdown, I don't know what is.

Since we're on the topic of those who are "Beatdown-worthy", I have to mention the biggest eye-sore known to man since Fenway Park: The Red Sox mascot, Wally The Green Monster. I hate mascots, especially in baseball. I think their existence is stupid, and too high on the "Shameless Marketing" scale for my taste.

Wally The Monster is the ugliest sports mascot out there. I get that they call the monstrosity in their stadium "The Green Monster", but must they embody it by creating that hairy green blob they call a mascot? No wonder the children of the fanbase grow up to be complete idiots as adults, their brains are scarred with images of horror at an early age.

Wally not only looks horrid, but he also acts like a douche. He gets up in the stands and starts dancing around, shaking his blob, and the crowd actually enjoys it. Really, what does it say about their fanbase when they need a cartoon-character-gone-wrong to keep them amused during the game? Actually, what does that say about their team? Images of a dancing green monster are necessary to fill up the vast empty spaces in Sox fans' skulls, and to distract them from any chance they may have to learn about the game of baseball.

“Following the game and learning about baseball? No way! We do things the Red Sox way and fill the minds of our fans with superficial marketing propaganda! Heaven forbid they should ever be able to carry on an intelligent baseball-related conversation.”

Of course, Jonathan Papelbon, David Ortiz, Kevin Youkilis and Curt Schilling are all on the list of the many things I hate about the Red Sox. I'll be ripping them apart one by one on this blog. The biggest reason I hate the Red Sox, however, has to be their fans.

Now the most hated fanbase in baseball. Not because of success, but because of sheer douchebaggery. Red Sox fans are some of the most classless, idiotic, and pathetic fans in the world of professional sports. They are quick to make claims: "it's a Red Sox dynasty!" or "we're the best team in baseball history!" or other ridiculous statements of pure stupidity. Apparently no one told these morons that it takes more than two World Series wins that were three years apart to make a dynasty. No one bothered to tell them that being the "best team in baseball history" would mean that they didn't suck for the better part of baseball history, either. Try backing them into a corner and asking them something like "name 7 Red Sox bullpen pitchers from 2004", they'll definitely respond with "Oh you're just jealous. [insert your team here] suck".

Furthermore, these clowns can't grasp why the country hates them. People used to pity them because they never won anything. They were all a bunch of suicidal losers. After they won a couple of World Series, the entire fanbase turned into a group of douchebag ass-hats. Yet, they still expect America to love them. Talk about stupidity.

Red Sox fans think that America hates them because they're successful. WRONG. America hates Red Sox fans because they're classless, juvenile, douchebag idiots who believe in curses and can't name their entire 40-man roster this year, nevermind try to remember last year's 25-man roster. America hates Red Sox fans because they are the biggest media-whores we've ever seen in Major League Baseball. They will take any opportunity to shove their Red Sox down our throats and talk about them like they're God's gift to humanity.

America hates Red Sox fans because, even after they act like douchebag Massholes when they're winning, they still expect people to feel sorry for them when they're losing. Why on Earth would we feel sorry for those obnoxious turds when they're losing? Red Sox fans want to be celebrated when they're winning, and pitied when they're losing. It doesn't work like that, you morons.

Of course, there's the fact that 75% of their fanbase consists of bandwagon fans, but that could happen to any team. The only problem is that these bandwagon fans swear to God that they're "diehard" and "lifelong". That is how you ask a baseball question and get the response "Your team sucks".

Don't even get me started on their disgusting "Let's pahk the cah in the cahpahk and wahtch the wicked Red Sahks game" accents. *shudder* That accent makes my skin crawl, and causes a "Beatdown Reflex" in my right arm.

Need I say more? No, I really needn't; but you know I will. So stay tuned to this blog for more of my Red Sox hate!

The Inauguration: 'B' is for 'Beatdown'

2010-03-31T15:23:00.000-04:00

Isn't it funny how the letter B is for Bitch, Bullshit, and Bandwagon?

Amazingly, it also stands for Boston.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to The Beantown Beatdown.

This is where B is for Beatdown.

The title of this blog is self-explanatory, so if you're a fan of Boston sports, I suggest that you leave now. Unless you're the type to enjoy having your teams bashed, in which case feel free to continue reading.

As for the rest of you, basically the majority of America, there's a common hatred that unites us. No matter what non-Bostonian team you root for, you can't help but hate the teams in Clam Chowder Land. We all have our own reasons for hating Boston teams: The unjustified arrogance of their players, the classlessness of their organizations, the douchebaggery of their fans... The list can go on forever. Whatever your reasons are for hating Boston sports, you'll find yourselves right at home here.

This blog isn't a fan blog showing love for specific teams; it is a hate blog showing disgust for the Boston Red Sox, the New England Patriots, the Boston Celtics, and the Boston Bruins. There will be four writers contributing to this blog:

Hiba (that's me!), a Red Sox-bitchslapper to the bone.
Deb, Patriots-beater extraordinaire.
Chris, a hardcore Celtics-bashing Boston-hater.
Dave, a diehard Bruins-hating Boston-trasher.

We will also be occasionally featuring guest bloggers who would like an outlet for their Boston Hate.

So sit back, relax, and enjoy the Boston-bashing show!

BUCK FOSTON.