Remember when you couldn't wait until Curt Schilling retired, just so you won't have to listen to him shooting his fat mouth off to the media anymore? Well since he's retired, he's become an even bigger media whore. It's really sickening.
 |
I just found out today that two of my most hated things are merging. ESPN hired Curt Schilling as a Sunday Night Baseball analyst. Analyst? Schilling's more like an Anal-Cyst. Why on Earth would anyone hire this self-promoting asshat to be an analyst? Oh, wait, we're talking about ESPN here. They will jump on any opportunity to have a Red Sox themed circle-jerk on the air.
Were they trying to hide their Boston bias by launching the ESPN New York website? Well, they countered their own move by hiring the second-biggest douche to ever set foot on the Fenway Park mound, and considering that the Red Sox have had quite a few a**hole pitchers, that's really saying a lot.
This move by ESPN is complete bullshit. As if his blog "38 Pitches" (which I like to call "38 Bitches") wasn't enough of a media STD, this narcissistic shell of a human being has decided to take his circus act on the road, and televise his moronic psycho-babbling. Even worse, ESPN has agreed to let him do it. Are ESPN even TRYING to tame their wild, passionate, unadulterated lust for the Red Sox anymore? Hiring Dirt-Bag Schilling is proof that they're not. I don't know why this even surprised me. I wouldn't expect anything less from the Bull Shit Programming Network (BSPN).
Jonathan Papelbon should have been named in these brackets, but he's in a Douche League of his own.
Not only is Curt Schilling a media whore, but he's an anal media whore. No, not the type of "anal" he was in the Boston clubhouse during his baseball career, I'm talking about being anal about getting criticized. Schitling does not accept any criticism! Who does this idiot think he is? God? Last I checked, America was still a free country. If we can criticize everyone from the President to the Pope, we can criticize dumbass Schilling. Curt's inability to take criticism has become more than obvious recently, when he fired an attack on the (now) Red Sox beat writer Peter Abraham, after Pete poked fun at one of Schilling's blog posts. Schilling surpassed his usual PMS-like levels of bitching, and hit the menopause levels.
What is it about Boston pitchers that makes them unable to take criticism? Is it because the media in Boston strokes their egos (and penises) so much all the time, that they expect to be constantly worshipped? Or is it the fact that their collective inferiority complex forces them to let their words do the talking instead of their skills? Whatever it is, the fact that Red Sox players, and Boston athletes in general, think they're God's gift to sports is not only delusional, but also infuriating.
Now, ESPN has given Curt Schilling the opportunity to sing his own praises on national (and international) television. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball games are televised internationally. As if the international community didn't hate us enough, now they have Curt Schilling as a reason to hate America even more. Thank you, ESPN. Go crawl into a hole and die.
We all know that we can never expect truly unbiased analysis from ESPN, but some of us were holding onto the hope that ESPN will one day have an ounce objectivity. Nope, not gonna happen, folks. The Boston-ESPN Lovefest has heated up even more now. You can look forward to even more praise of the Boston Red Sox. You can look forward to more on-air orgasms for every Boston win. Soon, ESPN will say that the only World Series championships that count are the ones won 2004-2007. The rest of the championships will not count in their books. Sorry, majority of America.
It was bad enough that they hired Nomar Garciaparra after he retired as a Blood Sock, now they have Curt Schilling, too? Are Nomah and Curt going to "get it on" on the air? I can just picture them complimenting each other endlessly, and Aaron Boone sitting there, feeling awkward, and vomiting repeatedly. Don't worry, Boone, the rest of America will be vomiting too.
Here's what you can look forward to seeing on ESPN during tonight's game:
- Curt Schilling will eat a hot dog at Fenway Park, spill ketchup on his tie, claim that it's blood, and will be called a "hero" by the Boston media for broadcasting a game while bleeding onto his tie.
- Schilling will be as self-promoting as he always is. He won't say his name, but he'll list his numbers and say that those numbers are Hall Of Fame worthy.
- When the Red Sox get a hit, Schilling will have an orgasm on the air. When the Yankees score, Schilling will say "The Skankees are on the board with that weak home run off of Jeter's bat. You know, there were steroids allegations made against Derek Jeter".
- Schilling will announce that he's running for President in 2012.
- Nomar Garciaparra and Curt Schilling will flirt with each other throughout the entire game.
- Schilling will mention the 2004 MLB playoffs 87,560,587,057,502 times, and every time, Nomar will say "I don't know how you did it with your foot bleeding".
- Nomar will magically forget how the Red Sox organization treated him in 2004, and will talk to Curt Schilling about that World Series throughout the game.
- Aaron Boone will be ignored.
Here are what some other baseball fans think about Curt Schilling being ESPN's baseball analyst for tonight's game between the Red Sox and Yankees:
"He has said in the past how much he dislikes NY (both team & fans) - how can we expect objective analysis?" - Tony, Arizona
How can we ever expect objective analysis from ESPN, Tony?
"It's ridiculous. ESPN [are] Red Sox fan boys. Between that and his big mouth I don't know how ESPN could resist." - Andrew, Long Island
Very true, Andrew. How can ESPN resist someone who fellates the Red Sox?
"Schilling has done so much over the years to make himself hated by Yankees fans. No one can ever expect objective analysis from him."
- Jay, New Jersey
Which is exactly why ESPN hired him, Jay. They don't want objectivity, they want more love for the Red Sox.
"Curt Schilling is the equivalent to a pube on my nuts. Doesn't really serve a purpose in life or to anyone." - Victor, New York
Wow! Thank you for the mental image, Victor. An image which is much less disturbing than seeing Schilling's face on TV tonight.
"Schilling could very well be the WORST analyst ESPN hired because he will talk right out of his ass. He'll also be incredibly biased." - Lorenzo, New York
Since the majority of ESPN analysts are pretty bad, calling Schilling the worst is saying a lot. I agree with you, Lorenzo.
"Schilling is a video game playing, Republican. He can sit on an infected needle. He will be just another Sux supporter on NESPN" - Bernie, Los Angeles
I'm still laughing at this, Bernie. Very funny, and very true.
"Honestly? Couldn't care less in April. October, now that'd be a much different story. Let him gloat - for now." - Jonathan, Virginia
Jonathan, Curt Schilling will be a regular Sunday Night Baseball analyst for ESPN. You know they'll make sure he's working every Sunday night Red Sox game.
"F*** Schilling. Hopefully the Easter Bunny will jump on him and take a crap in his mouth." - Sheila, New Jersey
Sadly, that would be less crap than what normally comes out of Schilling's mouth.
There you have it, ladies and gentlemen, I'm not the only one who thinks that ESPN hiring Curt Schilling is complete bullshit. Any passionate supporter of baseball can't help but be disgusted by two of the biggest embarrassments to the game merging together.
So, thank you, ESPN, for ruining the 2010 Opening Night for the vast majority of Americans. Go burn in Hell.
.jpg)
No comments:
Post a Comment