Bitchslapping The 'B' Off Your Hat

Red Sox Haters of the world, welcome.

My name is Hiba, and I will be your Red Sox Basher for the duration of this blog.

Baseball is my passion. I was born into a baseball-obsessed family, and my obsession with the sport is not to be taken lightly. When I see a team such as the Red Sox classlessly disgrace the sport that I love more than anything, it infuriates me. It fuels my fiery temper. It pushes me to spew venomous hate towards those Clam Chowder-guzzling, dynasty-claiming, half-witted, baseball-ignorant, bullshit nation-creating, single brain-celled idiots.

I'm going to leave my own personal baseball allegiance out of my hate posts on this blog. I assume, since you hate the Red Sox, you're smart enough to figure out which team I love. After all, there is one fanbase in America that hates the Red Sox more than anyone else. Let's leave it at that.

Now, back to hating the Red Sox.

There are so many reasons for baseball-intelligent fans to hate such an organization. They epitomize everything that is disgusting in baseball today. First and foremost, they are media whores. The extent to which they go to gain publicity never ceases to amaze me. Were they collectively starved of love and attention as children? Did their daddies not hug them enough? Did their mommies not nurture them enough? Whatever the reason is, their attention-seeking ways are nauseating.

We don't have to go too far back to find an example of the Red Sox whoring themselves out to the media. Just think back to March 10th of this year. Remember that whole publicity stunt with Nomar Garciaparra? What a load of bullshit that was. They re-signed "Nomah" to a one-day contract so that he can announce his retirement from baseball, and retire as a Red Sock. Why? They say it's because they wanted to "honor him".

Honor him? Really? The Boston Red Sox want to honor Nomar Garciaparra? Did we forget how the organization treated Nomar in 2004? The Red Sox front office trashed Nomar after they threw him out. They wiped that horrible Green Monster with him. They gave him the true "Boston Treatment" after he left, just like they verbally slaughter every single player that leaves Boston. This year, they wanted to honor him. When will the hypocrisy end?

I don't think the members of the Red Sox organization will ever stop being hypocrites. Not only is their hypocrisy unmatched, but their lame "We're the victims here" performances are Oscar-worthy.

Remember the so-called "Curse" the Red Sox supposedly suffered from before 2004? What a load crap that was. Any organization that believes in curses, and blames their failure on anything but their own mistakes, is an organization deserving of hatred. For an entire organization to embrace this excuse, and use it as a crutch, is simply disgusting.

Hey, idiots in Clam Chowder Land: there was never a curse, you just sucked for 86 years. Deal with it.

Speaking of these idiots, what the Hell is up with "Red Sox Nation"? What is this, really? Have these people no shame? This whole "Nation" was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN to gain publicity. It's pathetic! It's one thing to have a fanbase, but to create a "Nation" in which members have to register and get special membership cards? That only shows that your team is too pathetic to gain followers on its own, and you have to create some sort of "elite club" to attract the public. This idiotic third-world nation even holds presidential elections! Their current President is a grown man living in his mother's basement that he filled with Red Sox posters and memorabilia. He regularly broadcasts the fact that he hasn't taken his Boston jersey off in years. Dirty moron. If that isn't worthy of a beatdown, I don't know what is.

Since we're on the topic of those who are "Beatdown-worthy", I have to mention the biggest eye-sore known to man since Fenway Park: The Red Sox mascot, Wally The Green Monster. I hate mascots, especially in baseball. I think their existence is stupid, and too high on the "Shameless Marketing" scale for my taste.

Wally The Monster is the ugliest sports mascot out there. I get that they call the monstrosity in their stadium "The Green Monster", but must they embody it by creating that hairy green blob they call a mascot? No wonder the children of the fanbase grow up to be complete idiots as adults, their brains are scarred with images of horror at an early age.

Wally not only looks horrid, but he also acts like a douche. He gets up in the stands and starts dancing around, shaking his blob, and the crowd actually enjoys it. Really, what does it say about their fanbase when they need a cartoon-character-gone-wrong to keep them amused during the game? Actually, what does that say about their team? Images of a dancing green monster are necessary to fill up the vast empty spaces in Sox fans' skulls, and to distract them from any chance they may have to learn about the game of baseball.

“Following the game and learning about baseball? No way! We do things the Red Sox way and fill the minds of our fans with superficial marketing propaganda! Heaven forbid they should ever be able to carry on an intelligent baseball-related conversation.”

Of course, Jonathan Papelbon, David Ortiz, Kevin Youkilis and Curt Schilling are all on the list of the many things I hate about the Red Sox. I'll be ripping them apart one by one on this blog. The biggest reason I hate the Red Sox, however, has to be their fans.

Now the most hated fanbase in baseball. Not because of success, but because of sheer douchebaggery. Red Sox fans are some of the most classless, idiotic, and pathetic fans in the world of professional sports. They are quick to make claims: "it's a Red Sox dynasty!" or "we're the best team in baseball history!" or other ridiculous statements of pure stupidity. Apparently no one told these morons that it takes more than two World Series wins that were three years apart to make a dynasty. No one bothered to tell them that being the "best team in baseball history" would mean that they didn't suck for the better part of baseball history, either. Try backing them into a corner and asking them something like "name 7 Red Sox bullpen pitchers from 2004", they'll definitely respond with "Oh you're just jealous. [insert your team here] suck".

Furthermore, these clowns can't grasp why the country hates them. People used to pity them because they never won anything. They were all a bunch of suicidal losers. After they won a couple of World Series, the entire fanbase turned into a group of douchebag ass-hats. Yet, they still expect America to love them. Talk about stupidity.

Red Sox fans think that America hates them because they're successful. WRONG. America hates Red Sox fans because they're classless, juvenile, douchebag idiots who believe in curses and can't name their entire 40-man roster this year, nevermind try to remember last year's 25-man roster. America hates Red Sox fans because they are the biggest media-whores we've ever seen in Major League Baseball. They will take any opportunity to shove their Red Sox down our throats and talk about them like they're God's gift to humanity.

America hates Red Sox fans because, even after they act like douchebag Massholes when they're winning, they still expect people to feel sorry for them when they're losing. Why on Earth would we feel sorry for those obnoxious turds when they're losing? Red Sox fans want to be celebrated when they're winning, and pitied when they're losing. It doesn't work like that, you morons.

Of course, there's the fact that 75% of their fanbase consists of bandwagon fans, but that could happen to any team. The only problem is that these bandwagon fans swear to God that they're "diehard" and "lifelong". That is how you ask a baseball question and get the response "Your team sucks".

Don't even get me started on their disgusting "Let's pahk the cah in the cahpahk and wahtch the wicked Red Sahks game" accents. *shudder* That accent makes my skin crawl, and causes a "Beatdown Reflex" in my right arm.

Need I say more? No, I really needn't; but you know I will. So stay tuned to this blog for more of my Red Sox hate!